You chose your life, you made your life.

can't bring me down.

While working on my research proposal for CUHK that DUE several hours later, I would conclude my life. I have to admit that was my choice when I first came to UCLA.

I realize time is always a matter. When I first came to UCLA, I only went to two student organizations to meet new friends, alpha phi omega and Chinese Christian Fellowship. They are two completely different organizations, mostly local people in alpha phi omega and mostly hong kong people in Chinese christian fellowship.

I attended at least 5 meetings for Chinese christian fellowship and I made my choice. I decided to stick in alpha phi omega. I decided to pledge alpha phi omega to experience something I never experienced before. 1.5 years later, I realize I got suck-ed into this organization.
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Let say I made a choice to stay in Chinese Christian fellowship. I may hang out with bunch of hong kong fobs at the end because most of time or my majority of friends will be in this organization. That sounds cool because I can talk to "my" people and won't feel lonely and left out.

After 1.5 years of alpha phi omega, I realize I have only a few friends from hong kong and I do not fit in here. SO I decided to "explore" new organization or give a shot to CCF again. BUT time is really a matter. I checked on facebook (the worst thing ever in the world) and I saw some people were in CCF when I first came to UCLA and now they become a group of fobs hanging together. Which means, they spent the 1.5 years hanging around together and became good friends.

What happen to next? I realize it's too late for me to get a bunch of friends like this. I can only trace back the day in my memory. I claim myself as dumb because I am in the middle of all kinds of people, between local and international, between boys and girls, between you and me.

Although shit happens, a song from Paul Wong enlightens my life. No matter what happens in the remaining 3 months in UCLA, "can't bring me down!"

I look so fucking gay

My first goal in 2012 is TO GET RID OF THE FUCKING GAY OUTLOOK. I just realized I look so fucking gay.

I hate the fucking gay look. The Clothes I wear, the way I speak, the body I look, are all fucking gay. I can't accept this. I have 5 more days till my birthday and for the coming year I hope I have a new change and new look.

HATE

找找我

又一晚想著同一個問題. 這夜卻有點不同, 我決定改變一下自己, 主動聯絡一些人.
才發現自己跟別人的相處模式, 就正正是別人跟我的相處方式, 我從來不是主動聯絡別人吹水的人, 面對曾經熟識而變得陌生的人, 這夜所撥的電話來得有點突兀, 有點接不下去要找新話題的感覺.
原來面對一些變得陌生的人, 本應是很容易找話題但卻因為有太多選擇而變得無話可說. 我應該問你的近況, 你的生活, 還是一些無聊不起眼之事? 還是我應該分享自己的問題? 很奇怪, 陌生就是陌生了, 要將一些近身話題搬出來討論變得沒可能, 因為大家對各自的了解變得很少.

還記得我曾經問自己: "為何我要找人?而不是別人來問候我?" 自私一點的看, 我想別人關心. 但真正的是, 雖我願意放開這一點自私變成關心別人的那位, 但單向的還是敵不過時間的考驗. 久而久之, 談話內容變得無關重要, 對別人變得漠不關心.

這幾天說著同一句話: 來我的畢業禮! 我明白事實上, 大家各自有著自己的計劃, 隨口說說, 我並不期望有人會出席, 有人來了變當作上天給我的禮物. 人大了, 強求的往往是最吃力不討好.

我希望關心別人的同時, 也會得到別人關心. 我相信這是我的bottom line. 無論是何種所處模式, 只要顯出丁點關心, 誠意已經足夠. 這本應就是基本所處模式, 何解要複雜化?

但世事難料, 關心別人, 但別人卻漠不關心, 卻是最難維繫的一種.

十大最愛

第一年對叱吒頒獎禮無期望亦無衝動要全集觀看. 這個頒獎禮變得越來越有bias. 跟那些年的已經不一樣...
以下是2011 ipod播放率十大也是我最愛的十大歌.
至尊歌: 那誰 蘇永康(23) + 那誰沒有下次 蘇永康/卓韻芝 (71) = 94
2. 你們的幸福 謝安琪 (91)
3. 末日 王菀之 (69) + 前 1分30秒 (14) = 83
4. 最後派對 陳奕迅 (69)
5. 一再問究竟 梁漢文 (60)
6. 陽光燦爛的日子 周國賢(42) + Sunshine Version (15) = 47
7. Kiss Kiss Kiss 鄭融 (52)
8. 我本人 吳雨霏 (48)
9. 癡情司 何韻詩 (47)
10. 由他去 官恩娜 (44)

最高播放率女歌手: 謝安琪 (134)
最高播放率男歌手: 陳奕迅 (140)
最高播放率組合: C All Star (41)

那些年...跟這些年

雖然沒有真真正正看過<那些年>, 但我相信可以從中回想過去.

新的一年有新的體會.
突然想起一位以往的好朋友, 想起那些年, 中學時期跟朋友的相處模式, 就是"心照". 有些事情無須經常放在口中, 但大家明白這種相處方式, 大家亦明白對方是自己的好朋友, 因為有事情發生總會找對方"訴苦".
但人大了, 不知不覺這種天真, 簡單而直接的相處模式亦漸漸失去,因為漸漸識朋友要分門別類, 哪一種是"心照"? 哪一種是"過客"? 有時連自己都弄不清楚. 人大了, 經歷多了, 亦會同時明白付出未必得到回報, 亦未必得到別人欣賞. 就例如, 你跟A做朋友, 但A卻認為你只是過客, 敷衍對待. 久而久之, 你對這種相處模式失去信心.
正因為從如此, 這些年, 我很少再跟朋友用這種相處模式, 因為每每都需要一個肯定一個答案. 究竟是"過客"還是"心照"? 還沒有答案, 我還是不敢跟人做朋友.

這些年遇過幾位跟以往好朋友一樣, 有著同一種性格, 同一種跟朋友的相處模式, 這幾個人相處方式看起來很似. 但對於這些年的我, 已經失去那種天真, 那種我明白你是我的朋友. 想了想, 現在的我再跟這類性格的人交朋友變成沒可能, 因為我已經再不能變回那些年的我.